Surviving Bipolar

Many people experience religious phenomena whilst psychotic. This goes beyond the basic belief that one is Jesus, Mohammad, King Arthur etc. For example, you may find that the heavens open, a beam of golden light descends, and rank upon rank of angels proclaim you the One. And then the police arrest you for being naked in the street. These religious experiences are so profound that there is actually a breakaway movement that considers psychosis to be a "spiritual awakening" and thus something positive.  Personally I find this very dangerous. According to the Bipolar UK website, 1 in 5 people with bipolar attempt suicide, and 1 in 10 are successful. These are frighteningly high statistics. So here's how it works. Your behaviour becomes increasingly erratic, talking fast spending loose, moving quickly between different ideas, sexually disinhibited; and your family and friends are concerned. Then bang, you have a super-intense super-vivid spiritual or religious experience th...

Looking back over my first two blogs I had this thought: "Wow, this guy just has to hear "you're Jesus" when he's listening to music, and that's it, he goes and follows it like he's crazy, or like he wants to be Jesus." And I can understand that position. But the point is, the nature of the psychosis is that you actually think it, it emanates from your own mind, or what you understand your mind to be. Contemplate what you are thinking right now, for example: "Oh, this blog is getting complex! Looking forward to tea later." Then imagine that this thought is wrong, it is not your actual thought, it is a psychotic thought super-imposed on your own mind. Wow! This is what it is like. When I am psychotic and say that I am Jesus I actually believe it, because the thought comes from what I perceive, due to past experience, to be my own mind. It is so tragic. In Buddha School philosophy there is a way of looking at this. The Niwan Palace or pineal ...

  I remember this scenario very clearly. I was sat at my desk, close to midnight, rational and well. Suddenly a wave came over my body, like an energy wave. I experienced the physical sensation, then almost immediately had the thought "I'm Jesus". It was very powerful, and terrifying. My first thought was: "Oh no, this process comes with so much energy, I won't sleep tonight, and I'm taking my son to school tomorrow morning. I don't want this energy, I don't want this illness." So straight away I phoned my friend. I am very fortunate and blessed that she answered the phone so late. I told her everything. I didn't need to be embarrassed because we had already talked about the fact the psychosis makes me think that I'm Jesus. "It's happening again. I was just sat at my desk and the wave of psychosis came over my body, instantly making me think that I'm Jesus." "James don't worry. You know that it is not you. Don...

Until the age of 22 I had a successful and fulfilling life. I did very well in my university degree, I had a good group of loving friends, and a kind and warm-hearted girlfriend. People could look at my life and say that I had everything. In the summer of '99 things began to change for the worse. I set off on my own on an ambitious journey travelling across Europe, finally reaching Egypt for the millennium. During this journey I became very unwell. My whole mind broke down, shattered into a million pieces, and suddenly I was having horrific thoughts that I had never previously encountered, often about Heaven and Hell, and that I was going to Hell.  All of my friends were going to Heaven forever, and I was going to Hell. My girlfriend and best friend would be the ones to miss me the most, but finally they too would let go, and be in perfect Heaven, whilst I languished in Hell. It was extremely traumatising, and felt very, very real. I became almost like a tramp on the streets of Ath...