First Experience of Psychosis



Until the age of 22 I had a successful and fulfilling life. I did very well in my university degree, I had a good group of loving friends, and a kind and warm-hearted girlfriend. People could look at my life and say that I had everything.
In the summer of '99 things began to change for the worse. I set off on my own on an ambitious journey travelling across Europe, finally reaching Egypt for the millennium. During this journey I became very unwell.

My whole mind broke down, shattered into a million pieces, and suddenly I was having horrific thoughts that I had never previously encountered, often about Heaven and Hell, and that I was going to Hell. 
All of my friends were going to Heaven forever, and I was going to Hell. My girlfriend and best friend would be the ones to miss me the most, but finally they too would let go, and be in perfect Heaven, whilst I languished in Hell. It was extremely traumatising, and felt very, very real.

I became almost like a tramp on the streets of Athens. I was so lonely and isolated that when a bus driver punched me in the face I didn't mind, just to get some human contact and distract me from my thoughts.

My mind was do distraught and fragmented that finally another thought managed to manifest in my mind - "I'm Jesus." This thought became more detailed. "I'm Jesus. I came on this journey as a spiritual quest to save my people, and now I have failed. All the people I love will go to Hell because I couldn't save them. And they will all come to know that it is my fault, and will come to really hate me."
These were the two spheres of my illness.


Finally I returned to England. I was a broken man, much changed from the one who left just 4 months ago. When I went to kiss my mother, she shrank away from me. It was that bad. I had no way of expressing what happened to me, and no way of telling my story. I kept everything inside, which of course made my mental health even worse. Only now, many years later, am I starting to tell my story. It is very healing, and this to me is the importance of talking about mental health.


Comments

  1. James Poulter7 June 2020 at 05:54

    This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. Jedi9 June 2020 at 05:46

    Thanks for sharing James.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Unknown13 July 2020 at 23:54

    Thanks for sharing hope you are much better now bless your heart x

    ReplyDelete

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